the sinister smirk...

no... i am not a small hacker... nor am i a virus... boo haw haw haw!!! but i am inside!! at last !! at last!! look who's laughing now?? hehehehehehe!!!


sometimes one needs to dwell into unknown territory...

like uncle joe's farm where you climb over the fence and into the corn fields and make way for the lone tree standing in the middle and carve out your initials along with that of those you cannot part from...

here i am...

ma initials stay...

when you say nothing at all

its really funny when you want to say something and someone else has already said it for you.

wait...its actually a relief! atleast i dont have to be the one who is comepletely brutal with reality all the time!


thanks to the one who said it all...

the thought of being unlucky always!

I’m tired of exams and am wondering when I will be let lose when all of sudden some stupid astrologer tells my family that I have got to slog my way through if I have to maintain number one position. God where the hell does this end? Oops! I just used God and Hell in the same sentence.
It sure looks like I’m going to rot in the fiery pits of red blood stained ‘Hell’!! Maybe that’s why exams are getting more difficult and I’m getting unluckier by the day!


I’m beginning to wonder if there’s going to be any more luck at all. Life is so hectic! And I haven’t even started working!!! Wait till that comes along!

Uhhhhh!

first or last?

a question totally sent my head whirling today. a question i had'nt heard for 4 years now! a question i had once waited to hear! "may i have a dance with you?" that question had once sent shivers down my spine and now all it did was put my mind in such a dilemma...i actually didnt know what to say this time... i mean getting me to shut up and not say anything is like an achievement!
what i was actually thinking was this " which one is more important? getting the first dance or being the one for whom the last dance is reserved?"
i know...has anyone ever thought about it?

my other half!

its been a while since i started writing and i dont think ive ever mentioned the other 'MJ' in my family. yup! i am talking about my partner in crime and my accomplice in everthing i have ever done- like he puts it- the dudemeister- my brother! its just that today i was wondering what i would have done if there was no him and the thought scared the living hell out of me!!!
so this is just to say 'MJ'- even if your the most annoying, agitating, irritating, bug- i just want you to know that if there wasnt you there would never be a me and mom would never have had an 'us'!
how does she put it again-" if its between them-its war....but if its against one of them-then the person on the other side is sure to lose!"
love ya bro!

their crowning glory!

(To the World's Best Grandmother and The Best Mother in the Universe- the two people without whom i would have gone insane. i love u both very much and ammmamma- i miss u like the barren ground misses rain!!)


The quietness of stillness
The resonance of silence
The catch of a breath
An era has passed.

The passage of time
The power of love
The cycle of life
An era lives on.

forgive & forget

Sometimes people would give anything just to be forgiven. It’s amazing to what lengths they can actually go. And it gets even weirder to watch when there is a case of ‘forgive and forget” involved. It felt pointless today when I sat listening to people talk about how they could forgive people but could never forget what they had done to them. Someone please explain to me how you can forgive but never forget the pain that the doing caused you. Or is it just another farce that people put up to be considered and put into the “nice people category”? Why is it that people still have masks on them? What makes them so scared to be out in public as themselves and not as some Shakespearean character (minus a little makeup)? Its time we realized that we have to live life on our basis and for ourselves and not for someone else. And as for the ‘forgive and forget part’…move on! There is no time in today’s world to catch a breath let alone keep some grudge against someone!

27 days!

today it felt good to have people to call as friends in college.today i jumped out of a window of a car because there was cargo on the top and we couldnt get out any other way. today all i did was sit in a car wid four of the most amazingly hilarious people i know off and laugh my lungs out!

i sometimes wish we had more of this....but looks like its just us and 27 more working days!

the idea of having a "want"!

i finally figured out the 3 things i want to do before i leave college
1)I want to streak my hair red.
2)I want to pack a bag and go off somewhere for a day.
3)I want to be part of a wall where nobody knows who i am.


alas....
none of this is likely to happen!

a q that needs no a

Have you ever thought about that sudden shiver that runs down your spine when you sit idle for a while? At a very logical level that might not mean much; at the scientific level it just happens when your muscles suddenly relax; at an emotional level…is there really an answer? And that is now the question? Why is there never a definite answer for something emotional? If you want to break up with somebody…3/4 of the time you hardly have a logical answer. If you want to say ‘I love you’ and you cant , there again you don’t have a logical answer why you cant say it. It’s sometimes so difficult to really know why emotional things don’t have answers to…its just better to accept them and move on rather that question what you can never find an answer to.

rains!

As a child everyone is told that it rains when god cries over some bad thing that you have done. As you grow older it is so beautiful just to sit and watch how tiny drops of water just keep falling from an endless sky. When you look up to see what exactly is making it happen all that is in front of you is a black canvas that has a few grey blotches in it and tiny crystals falling into your face like spears and even though they prick you slightly as they fall against your skin… You can’t help but wonder what a world your part of where sometimes you just don’t have to have a real reason to rationalize why it’s raining. Rain brings to you sights you can never see in any other season-the elation in the eyes of a farmer who knows that profit stands at his door-step this time; the cold faces of your grandparents as they crib about it being too cold; the bubbly sounds of the children who wade through dirty water with little paper boats in their hands; the cars that look like they are flying in thin air; the sound of slow trance music, cuddly blankets and a cup of steaming hot coffee… and then you realize that your no more a child who needs to worry what he’s done wrong…instead you can sit there and enjoy the cool breeze that transports you to a world unknown where these tiny crystals are just felt and not really understood.

a world of its own!

Come to think of it, college isn’t so bad a place…after all, it taught me all there is to life in the most difficult of ways…which is probably the reason I learnt that you can make a mistake once….because making a mistake once is not a mistake…but repeat that and it becomes a fault! So yes...like they say…your college years are the best years of your life and though mine haven’t been that easy on me…it wasn’t that bad! The way I see it…nothing good in life comes easy and this was just one more threshold in my life which I’m going to cross in 4 months. Who knows where life will lead me in the future but let me say this… life would have been so different without MCC. I would still think that the world was filled with only nice people. I would always trust fast and still be wearing my heart on my sleeve. But now… even though I’m still confused over a lot of things and even though it takes a while for the bulb inside my head to burn….it still manages to burn at the right time and I manage to keep myself out of trouble.
MCC gave me more than I expected: an awesome ragging, a few good friends, a bunch of good memories, a lot of action, tonnes of melodrama, a million fights and misunderstandings and THE CLASS OF 2006-2009…where at the beginning it was just a room filled with people from all walks of life and now…its nothing less than a family. A family where there are fights but the solutions are found from within! A family where everything is shared and an actual effort is made to understand the person sitting opposite you!
So here’s to Malabar Christian College: a home outside home in all senses.

the tale of a witness

Sitting under the blue sky
Smiling at the sun
Today I wondered-
Who made them all?
Why are the trees green?
Or the sky blue?
Or the sun yellow?
Not an answer came to my head
But I still sat wondering
Knowing fully well that no answer would come
I sat thinking…thinking away about a world…
A world that could never be explained
Just witnessed, just felt.

a walk down to earth

Every other person
Who walks down to the Earth
Wonders about just small things
Will I ever be a part of all this?
Will I be one with it?

Every other person
Who lives upon the Earth
Wonders about just small things
Am I a part of all this?
Will I ever be known?

Every other person
Who leaves the earth below
Wonders about just small things
Was I ever a part of all that?
Will I ever be remembered?

time will tell

So today I was sitting around and thinking about what a girl is supposed to say to a boy when he tells her that he likes her! It’s such a confusing thought! I mean….c’mon what exactly are we supposed to say….both ways it’s only going to be difficult for us……if we say ‘yes’ then its “Don’t do this! Don’t wear that!” and then if we say ‘no’ then all his friends gang up around you and do the sob story-thing that “he’s such a nice guy!” Yawn! What exactly is expected of a woman at this situation?
As I sat contemplating things in my over crowded head, I get a call that is least expected but comes at quite the time to solve my problem. Well you can’t exactly say that that’s the right way to go about it….but at least its something. Anyways, we talked about how crushes never stay too long and how it sometimes it makes such a mark that can’t be erased and how sometimes it’s like it was never there at all in the first place.
We argued it this way and that…..but to no avail until finally…..and this time the answer didn’t strike me….it struck him- only time will tell! Yes! That was it! Only time would be able to tell if anything will last longer than it is expected to be! So to all the girls who waste time crying over those stupid boyfriends who dumped you…….cheer up!
They aint worth your time!

change!

Today I sat around lazing in class when all of a sudden someone came in and said that there was to be some kind of a one-day tour for the whole department and that got me thinking about the one place which is always on my mind- Georges! I sat there thinking about all the weird things I had done there and how much I have grown since then. And yes when I think of Georges, I don’t think I’ll ever forget the people who helped me get this far!

AAK: the wise one( or so he likes to be called!) the bestest friend anyone in the world can ask for. Smart, funny, short-tempered, wise and all in all- my backbone!

AJ: stood by me through the most difficult times. My strength, my guide! A true and loyal friend!

R&M: the two people who made me realize the true meaning of friendship. ‘my guardian angels’- these 2 people even though far away are always in my thoughts!

BM: this one is difficult to explain- but let me tell you this, he is the only one who can get away with a horrible joke at the most serious of times! The wisecrack in the group!

LJT: the one i always underestimated and never quite knew..but lay under the misconception that i did!! am still getting to know him and trust me...the ride so far has been way too cool!! everyday is a surprise!!

VP: though my junior, she is the most genuine person I have known! Whats in her mind is in her mouth. This one came as quite a boon to me.

KS: one of the three sisters… that’s what I used to call her before I really knew her. Once I did I realize that if you have her in your life- you have the best critic and your best friend both together.

AS&NS: we never got along until my 12th and then it was really hard saying bye to them. These two are very different –A is quiet and N is the noisiest thing you can find (after all we are both Aquarians!!)

SaS&StS: well, I hardly got along with these two until SaS started dating my ex-boyfriend’s brother. As for Sts…..well she was the wisecrack of the girl’s group- with her stories of bhondas and puskies!!

And yes…..there are more to come. I realize now that had’nt I listened to them I would have been a complete idiot who did nothing with her life and became a complete raggmuffin!!! But now I know that change is painful but it is inevitable!!!

of pixies, little men and stardust!

Life is not a fairy tale…..but think of it this way….what if it was? I’d be ‘Tinkerbell’, Peter Pan’s sidekick or little ‘Thumbelina’, on all her adventures or ‘Cinderella’, who gets carried off by her prince……life would have been so much easier. But again we are still forgetting facts….Even in far-far away, there is still a villain- a ‘Captain Hook’ or an ‘Ugly Toad’ or an Evil Stepmother’. What I’m really getting at is that each time I read one of these fairy tales, I sit there and wish that all that would happen to me-‘that my knight in shining armour will ride on his steed and whisk me away’.
So whether we like to accept it or not… the fairy world is not very different from the real world! The only visible difference is that all the endings are happy.
Maybe I’ll take it on me to write a fairy tale that does not have a happy ending but still has all the elements that a fairy tale needs.
But then the question arises… or rather the answer hits me before I can formulate the question- it’s not a fairy tale if it doesn’t have a ‘happy ending’! It becomes life… real life and who wants to read something that hits them on the face with the reality they don’t want to accept?

marriage without being married?

NN and I are always together and so as the mindset of Kerala is everyone wround here thinks we are married! How dumb is that! So we like spending time together, we enjoy each others company… we have each others back… but hey love? – no way and marriage is far away; and not even to each other.
Love and friendship are two very different relationships and yet from time immemorial these 2 relationships have been entwined together to create a fusion. Why? Why do that? Why mix 2 very different emotions and create a mess of it?
Both together- there are possibilities where people say my best friend is my girlfriend. We say (NN and me!)- your best friend is your strength, why make them your weakness?
All this runs through my mind as I sit in my class staring at a black board with a squeaky teacher in the background. As usual, im sitting right next to NN, thinking and listening to the stories of Shelley and Keats and how Keats was destroyed by love…blah blah…blah!! And as I look around me, I also see so much friendship around and ask myself-
If it weren’t for love, how would you be bound to your friends? And there again we have it- the lethal combination of two powerful emotions to form one supreme power!

?

So after the complete writing spree I was sitting today in the bathroom (which as most people know is my thinking space). I know its funny and all but trust me….its quiet! There is no one to bug you or interrupt your thoughts. Anyways…..this one is not about bathrooms or anything…..it’s just a random article about some random thoughts that crept into my mind.
So as I was saying, I was sitting there thinking…after this complete month of writing, will I be able to continue this or will I just lose track in the centre, get bored of it and stop? There’s something you should know about me….. I get bored very easily…with things, people and anything that I have for too long! I know its not something that I should be proud of…but hey that’s just who I am.
I’m not going to compromise on who I am just so I can write what people want to read! I was talking to a lot of people who read other people’s blogs and they criticize and comment as if it’s cake walk for them to write something like that. To all those people my question is…..have any of you taken the time to really read what has been written there or is it just to make your day that you destroy another’s?
Holy shit I sound like a feminist? Anyways the point I’m trying to make here…even though I’m not even close to it is this- how many of us are willing to sacrifice ourselves to be someone else so that everyone else around you is content…not happy…just content?
How many of us want to write what we think and not care what others think about it?

a preconceived notion?

Life sometimes seems so toppled when you’re suddenly given the information that all this while, all you thought you knew was just a ‘misconception’ and the truth slowly unfolds in front of you. You realize that all your ideals and speeches about ‘I have no regrets about how anything in my life turned out’ seem so fake and unreal. That is exactly how I felt yesterday when I spoke to L. It started out just as any normal conversation that I had been having with him for the past few months but I was soon to know that this one would change the way I looked at everything-life, love, friendship, relationships, and the world as a whole. What came to me yesterday was a fact that I have hated to accept ever since I started to have sense. I alienated people when I felt that either they had done me wrong or vice-versa. I always put a mask in front of me and never let anyone into that other world which I call my own. All that is true but yesterday, I didn’t realize; no, yesterday I learnt. I learnt that all the mistakes I made were because of me. There was no way that I could shift the blame onto anyone else. It was time I pulled the skeletons out of my closet, looked at them, analyze them and then got over them.

This morning I opened my eyes hoping that I all I got to know yesterday was just a dream but….no….it was not! It was time to rise up to the occasion and face my mistakes. It was time to grow up and face reality which is that I never know what people really want from me when they start talking to me. Are they looking for someone to kill time with? Is it really because I’m fun? Is it because I do things for them without even thinking twice? What? What was it? I tried and tried to figure it out but to no avail. I’m still thinking though but you know what I just realized- I’ll never know and that’s what makes me……Me! I’m just plain ol’ naïve me who does not know what to expect from people and lets face it- a really poor judge of character.

I always think I know people really well after I’ve known them for a while when frankly speaking …. I sometimes have no clue what they are all about. I think I know what’s best for me when really I don’t. Adding to that I hardly ever…..actually never listen to people who are really trying to help me-no….. I just stick to the ‘misconception’ that I know what is best for me.

And that’s when it hits me……misconceptions will always be there but you should let it justify itself or give the person on the other side a chance to really tell you what has actually happened or you will just end up like me- a person who lived with a preconceived notion or what normal people who don’t justify everything call it- A Misconception!

you know its not your day when.............

This morning I just didn’t feel like opening my eyes and facing this cruel world again. But then I went against my gut and I got up only to face a series of mishaps.

#1
I had told mom to keep some hot water for me to have a bath with and as usual, like nothing different form any other day, I dropped it all over my legs and now have heat boils all over them.

#2
If that wasn’t bad enough, I had left the iron on to iron out my dress and the rest is predictable-my only purple salwar is now no more. R.I.P.

#3
I had to catch the bus at 8:45 and as usual I was running late. I sacrificed breakfast and ran to catch the bus. I reached there and waited for fifteen minutes until some kind soul on the road told me that I had missed the bus! DRAT!

#4
Normally, around here they say that after 3 misfortunate events, there’s no problem. I was done with 3, right? Wrong! I walked into class happily only to find out that I had walked in on a surprise test in my worst subject and I had to write it!

#5
The next blow was the worst for today. No matter what I do, I’ll always be overshadowed by someone or the other. It’s like no one will ever believe that I did it when the outcome of something done is good. It’s like everyday I have to face the reality that I’m the most inartistic, stupid, uncreative person in the whole wide world.


Now after all this I’m still the optimist, even though I face something or the other every day. I comfort myself saying that there are people who face worse things and also have to face the fact that they can’t do anything about it.
And though I have no artistic skills or any such creativity, I have one thing that not many people have these days- optimism! To get up and smile at the face of adversity…….

I do not bow to fear!!!

a month of moments!

It’s like every time I think of something I have to write it down…like I’m so scared that I’m actually going to forget all about it when I just know I won’t. Anyways the point is that this month has been a month filled with conquests, challenges, evolution, realizations, confessions, improvements, maturity, confusions and a complete new string of mixed up thoughts!!! So the best way to organize your thoughts is to write about them. So:
Conquests:
I won the certificate for the best all rounder!
Challenges:
I organized something to the best I could.
Evolution:
My mind can think in many angles now.
Realizations:
I am not number one now but I will be.
Confessions:
It makes a difference to me when people say they don’t like me.
Improvements:
I took a small step to being a better friend.
Maturity:
Still getting there!!!
Confusions:
Well……there’s always one!!!

But at the end of all this I also realized that through all this I almost stepped across the little border line between the goodness of humanity and the ugly side of it. From where I stand now……it’s good that I somehow managed to pull back and stand on humanity’s side!
After all, you never know what more life has in store for you! A few moments is all it takes to make you from what you are to what you see yourself to be!

heart Vs mind?

It’s funny how all of a sudden you realize that you are just a somebody in your most special person’s life! In fact you’re not even somebody with a little importance, you’re just a somebody who walks right past through their life and doesn’t turn back. I sometimes wish I could be the most important thing in someone’s life but that doesn’t look like a distant possibility to me……at least not any more! I just got off a conversation with a really special person who told me that it’s not easy to mean everything in the world to somebody and if you ever have the feeling that you are the world to him its ok to leave the world for him! So there I was thinking away when my mother stepped up in front of me with a new sari and she had a smile on her face that I had never seen before. It was the smile of a mother looking down at her only daughter with tear-filled eyes and hopes of love and a good family for her in the future. Does meaning the world to someone mean giving up on the family who held you the first time you opened your eyes into this world? Was it really worth it to trust someone who likes you but your not the world to and leave your family to whom you already are the world? Is love really worth all that? And then as usual the answer strikes me (yet again…I’m late!!)-love is what keeps me bound to them and if it weren’t for love I would have left them a long time ago. So how does a person who is not loyal to her family go on to be loyal to any of her other relationships? Now here is where you choose who to listen to-your heart or your mind? That then becomes the question. Do you take the rational side and stay with your family or do you take your heart’s side, throw away everything you have and be with a person to whom you’re just a somebody? Like I said….its the struggle between the heart and the mind; the struggle between family and love; the struggle between priority and commitment!

And the answer still lies hidden just as it has been for as long as now and for eternity as well!

can't never say no!

It dawned on me today that I am a complete slob…no seriously! I am! Most of the times I make a complete fool of myself, make crazy jokes that have bad timing and always and never take anyone serious! But that does not mean that I’m unhappy about it or anything….i like being me! I like it that I can’t take a glass of water from the kitchen to the table without spilling some. I like that I’m always falling from the steps when I’m rushing around with papers in my hands. I like that I can spend any amount of time with a complete stranger and yet make a thoroughly meaningful conversation with them. I like that when someone thinks of fun they think of me.

But then it gets to me…. I’m too nice! I’m always taken for granted. And there is no one else to blame for this but me! The problem there is, that I can’t say no to anybody! Whether I’ve known them for years, months, minutes or just a matter of mere seconds the word ‘no’ is just impossible to hear from my mouth! Why? Why is it so difficult for me to say no to something I really don’t like to do? Why is so difficult for me to say no to something even if I’m really tired and just cant manage to do it?

The answer has not been easy to find and when I did find the answer it was difficult to accept. I wanted everyone to like me….. no it wasn’t that…I just didn’t want anyone to dislike me because I said ‘no’! I don’t honestly care what people think of me because a wise person said to me – “character is what you are and reputation is what others make of you!” So it really didn’t bother me if everyone liked me but it mattered to me when someone said they didn’t!

But now growing up has taught me this- just because someone doesn’t like you, you’re not going to stop living! So why let something as trivial as that bother you? So today I take a resolution that the decisions I make are going to be made strictly on the basis of ‘me’!

I am going to learn to say ‘no’ but knowing me even then I’ll add…… “ no thank you but I’m so sorry I wont be able to complete this for you. Actually its because…….” I will be finding excuses even then.

Looks like this is something I have got to live with or probably just leave to time to change!

a lesson learnt!

It is very easy to say ‘I am the best’ but when you suddenly realize that your actually not number one, it comes as quite a loss especially when all you ever wanted was to be number one…to be acknowledged for the talents you have. Sometimes when you try to get to the top, you have to put yourself there…in the middle but that does not mean that your grabbing attention. Life sometimes throws some moments at you when you suddenly wonder… am I really a good person?
Today was one such day when I questioned myself about the person I was, the person I am and the person I want to be. I realized today that just because you put a mask on you and walk around like nothing bothers you…it doesn’t mean that you are strong. It just means that you’re a coward who cannot face what the world throws at you.
I consider myself to be a good communicator…but if I really am, why do I find it so difficult to get my point across? Why do I always land up defending and justifying myself even though I know that I am in the wrong? But today being the day of realizations and the end of all misconceptions, I actually feel happy about being myself because through all this I never lost my identity. I was still me. I was me with a little make-up on!
Today was the day when my best critic walked up to me and said ‘when you grow up I will!’ Today was the day when I became the friend that I knew I always could be. Today I was proud to say that I took one small step to being the person that R&M would have liked to see me as. Today I can say that I have learnt how important it is to be as good a listener as a talker. Today I learnt that it wasn’t so bad being me. Today I learnt that sometimes It’s ok to let other people know what your really thinking. Today I learnt that you can’t run away from reality even if you shift the blame on someone else.

Today I learnt that deep down inside, somewhere at the bottom of my tiny heart, I was proud to be me!

take me along with you!

How do you know if people are ever going to remember you after you die? How do you know if you will have any relevance in anyone’s life after they cant see you any more? The question then rises up if you can believe in something or someone who you cant see! But can you….can you really believe in something you cant see?

Is seeing believing or do you actually need something to strengthen the faith you have? After you lose someone whom you love why is it so easy to go on believing that they are in a better place? Or why is it so difficult to believe that they are actually gone? What do you do then? Do you live in the past and not let go off them or do you take them along with you?

The answer then comes to me and with it brings a smirk to my sullen face……. I was going take him with me! I was going to take all the good things that came our way and all the great times we shared laughing at life everyday. He’s gone but that doesn’t mean that I have to forget about him or cry over him. No! that will just ruin and tarnish the few living memories that I carry along with me.

I live and I carry him along with me till my last breath!

CITI( Calicut Information Technology Initiative)

i had actually decided not to go for this event but then realized that if i did bunk my principal would know and taking a risk....me..never!(ya right!) but not that day. no i actually decided to go. CITI( calciut IT initiative) was one program that showed me a vast ocean full of careers and not just for the engineers or the IT professionals. no there were jobs for creative people like me at wipro.

now heres the good part. there were competetions held and i decided ive give 'group discussions' a shot! before i started my friend N.N. told me," M.J. this is not a debate. give them time to talk and then you talk." i listened to him for the first time in history( it got me far but ill get to that in a bit). so i entered a group where all around me there were what we the arts students call "science geeks". now normally i dont glance twice at the science guys coz they freak me out. i kinda feel a little stupid in front of them but out of that group of 13 i noticed this guy in a blue shirt(blue being my favorite colour, big round harry potter glasses and this book in his hand. i still remember thinking to myself- what a nerd!

then we discussed and we all spoke! at the end of the semi finals who both should be chosen but me and Mr Blue Shirt!! i was wowed! we were asked to meet at the table for the finals after 10 minutes! i went to take a breather but was pushed back into the GD 5 minutes after it had started only to stare at mr blue shirt. all this was confusing to me. i kept staring at him so he could tell me what the hell was going on! all the people were yelling at each other, repeating the same stupid point and the topic was ' sex education:is it necessary or not?"

firstly its a weird topic to discuss with malayalees considering that it is said to be taboo around here. anyways not deviating any more...there we were fighting with each other over this when my eyes met his. he seemed to be a nice guy!! well anyways at the end of it all the girl who spoke utter rot won first, he won second and i came third. so we came out of the room and i decided to talk to him! what did i have to lose and come to think of it it was one good decision i made. he was a gift...a gift with tonnes of intelligence. HV.thats wat i call him. a boon that i took back from that seminar. i learnt from him how important it is that you have as good an IQ as an EQ.

HV taught me that life never comes easy. its all about hard work. he made me realise that being confused is not such a bad thing. Mixed Doubles! thats what we call it! its all about living life to the max! so ya..this is random but i had to write about it before i forgot. not that i will considering that i met a man of excellence at a place where it was finally proven to me that u need both your tongue and your wits to save you!

my guardian angels!

Whats next? Which college will I join? Will I get a job? These were the questions that were haunting my mind when I opened my eyes this morning. I sat up thinking to myself if this time I would be brave and accept everything that comes my way or would I as usual lie to myself and the whole world around me and say that there is nothing wrong? And that’s what suddenly got me thinking of school…..thinking of what I was and what I am today. I sat analyzing why and how I had become me? And that’s when it struck me……..its all thanks to R&M. Its thanks to them that I have grown up and learnt to accept my mistakes.

I got to know R&M when I was studying in the 9^th std. I was this hopeless romantic who believed that life was a fairytale and that I would have my happy ever-after. But I was so wrong! There never really are any happy ever-afters! But then naïve, obstinate little me didn’t want to believe it and why……for a boy! For Y! I let myself into lying for a boy to the 2 most loving and caring people in the world. All I did was take them for granted (but that never occurred to me then! No! then I thought I was an awesome friend). I thought that no matter what they would stand by me forever and tolerate all the things I ended up doing! But now come to think of it the only thing I made them do was clean up after me and lift me up when I was going to fall( which was practically always then). But now…looking at it from their point of view….they left with good reason! I was a liar!

I lied about it all to them as well as to myself knowing fully well what I was doing was wrong! At that time I justified myself saying that I did it for ‘love’!! Love! What a strange word…..it forces you to do things that you as a person would never do or so I thought until 3years back when I realized that even in love you need to be rational!

So there I was making a complete fool of myself while R&M tried to stop me! I thought Y was my prince-charming but little did I know that my ‘guardian angels’(as I refer to them now) were trying to protect me from the ‘big bad wolf. I cheated the 2 people who believed in me the most. I betrayed the 2 people who stood by me when the whole world looked at me like I was scum.

By then I had realized the grave mistake I had made but it was too late. I couldn’t even stand before then let alone look into their eyes to apologize! It was finally time for then to leave. By then taking pity on my sorry condition and keeping the promise of friendship they had made to me they bid adieu to me in style. Their last words to me still ring in my ears till this day-“its time you grew up! Its time you believed in yourself! And the next time you make a friend make sure you never lie to them.”

Ill never forget that day! It was the last time I saw them both face-to face. Its almost 6 years now and I can still see them in front of me! I know I might sound a little weird…hell..plain weird but it is because of them that I am what I am now. I might not be the best now but I am better than what I was. I realized that charater doesn’t need a change……it only needs improvement.

So here’s to the 2 girls that made life worth living then and now. Its thanks to people like you that people like me learn to survive the cruel world and yet believe that the place is still worth living in.

The Choice......

Sometimes its so difficult to describe yourself and it becomes convenient just to say something philosophical and smart...but really on the inside your just this null and void person who is scared of identifying and describing oneself!!! where does that leave you on the map??
A lonely, sad, desolate person who eventhough is at the peak of success has no one to share it with!!

How does that make you feel? Then there is the array of questions that run through your head..... what do i need to complete me? how do i get there? should i be someone else or should i just be me?? But here comes the shockeer... You have no choice but to be you. Being someone else will get you through-for the moment, but it will not get you far.

So now fate lies in your hands- Do you want to get through or do you want to get far?Do you want people to know you by who you are or by what you have become? The ball is still in your court!!

A Confused Statement

So yes....I am in just the mood of writing away...i just cant seem to stop!!! The thought thats been on my mind the whole of today...... can u choose which side of a person u want and which side you dont or do you just have to take the whole person in? Somebody once told me that love is a feeling when you feel a feeling that you have never felt before. Someone else once told me that the person u fall in love with today must be loved by you tomorrow and all the days to come. Another person told me that love is the one thing that completes two people who are meant to be together. My question is you feel a million feelings that u have never felt before in a day...how do you know which one is love? When do you know its love?? When your heart skips a beat...When you have butterflies in your stomach...When you feel a shiver run down your spine...When you smile at the very name of the person..When??When?? Well...the answer is simple.....Love is a confused statement.

A Thought?

Its a wonder how people say i love you to the people they supposedly care about but in reality know nothing about. At the end of the day when they sit down to analyse things, does it even occur to them that they might have toyed with the other persons feelings??? Would it ever have occured to them that maybe.....just maybe, the person on the other end might really mean what he or she said? Then what?? What's next?? They go back into the materialistic world where survival means stepping over the person in front of you to get to the top and be a superficial pompous self-proclaimed king!! Is there justice in the world of emotions or do they just walk into your life, turn it upside down and then just leave?? A fact that eveyone must ask themselves!! An answer that never fails to shock the person to whom it is revealed!!! The question still remains.....Who is brave enough to find out? Who is wise enough to question? Who is original enough to defy?

jaane tu....ya jaane na!!

(this was written in one of those fits when you realise the strange things that love can do to you!!!and even though the title is so filmy.....it really does say alot!!)
when do you know its love?
when all works out and
theres laughter in the air
when theres magic in the eyes
when all you can think of is them.....
is this love??
or

when nothing works but your together
when million tears are shed from your eyes for one smile on thir face
when reality is magic enough to be magic itself
when all you can think of is that you'll be together forever
is this love??
or

when you dont work things out but wait a while
when there is no difference if there is laughter or not
when makes no sense at all
and all you can do is just compromise!!
No.....Love is...

growing old together..
never having to let go...never having to say sorry....
LOVE is LOVE when there is no reason for falling in it!!!!

love thy neighbour

wretched little rascals!
jumped right above my head
what a bloody noise they made
i thought i'd just fall dead!

music floating through my ears
making me wish i couldnt hear
the nuisanse that they turned out to be
i wish that i had earliar seen

hell broke loose at 9 each night
and i went up and made a fight
but then at last i did realise
that i had led a childish life

so down the steps i jumped and came
and knew that i still felt the same
the joy that had once engulfed my heart
i knew i was making a new start

i then came down and knelt to pray
to God-what did i want to say??
but it wasnt me..it was him saying
love thy neighbour like u love me!

alone alone and all all alone

And once I knew a certain someone
Who stood alone/ alone and all alone
And though he had many a friends
It always looked like he was making amends

And once I knew a certain someone
Who stood by corners all day long
And when the night would stir along
He would sing his woe-filled song

And once I knew a certain someone
Who saw right through a persons lie
But what the others didn’t know
Was that his was lie that would never show

And once I knew a certain someone
Who conquered all that he came across
But little did he know just then
Someone was coming to conquer his den

And do once I knew a certain someone
Who believed in all but him
But when she came passing by
He was elated but didn’t know why

Once I knew a certain someone
Who smiled at every word I said
But possession took the better of him
And guilt but filled him to the brim

And once I knew a certain someone
Who took his last breath and cried to me
‘I loved to the best I could
And gave you the best of what I am’

And now I know certain someone
Who stood alone/ alone and all all alone
Thinking many may come and many may go
But this dream will live on forever

And so now I know a certain me
Who’s under a mask that no one can see
But little as they know I’m alone as can be
Alone, alone all all alone and the world to see

Now I know a certain meWhose just as alone as was he...

why?

(one of those days in class wen there was nothing better to do)

Why is it all about mistakes?
Will there ever be a world beyond?
Where love prevails and evil fails
Will there ever be a heaven on earth?

Will there be a man acknowledged
for being rich at heart and pure in soul?
With cures for heal and pity to feel
Will there ever be a heaven on earth?

Will there be a bird that flies far in to the skies,
far away from cries?
Without its wings folded, or clipped away
Will there ever be a heaven on earth?

a beginning from an end.....

(wat drove me to write this...im not very sure...but this is by far the most genuine thing i have written....sometimes...somethings just make u think!!)

somewhere outside in the cold
a stranger lingered around
with darkness for a shield and moon for light
he watched her window for just one sight.
with an angelic glow and a shining halo
she looked down upon him and smiled
he shuddered as her smile touched him
just like red leaves in autumn
'maria!' he called "come down from the sky
and live with me precious till morning is nigh."
'edmund', she wispered, "the time is not right
we will be together when he decides."
silently but awake he thought through the night
why wasnt his beloved left by his side
the answer came as fast as the question left
death is the beginning and not just the end.....