men!

8 months down. 12 days away. abundance of fallen tears. conversations of skype and gmail. the hope of someone being there. 4 years. now one year away. a future envisioned. the want to philander. the thought of losing. a hurried hug. the shadow of someone walking away. petrified. 6 years. conversations. being there. not talking. talking non-stop. making sure that it stays like this. forever. 3 years. a week. clutching straws. a resolve that cannot be moved. a decision made. the end of a world as i know it. 6 years. still single. still besties. still cannot be without each other. still has the most important place with family. calming familiarity. 12 years. going off the grid. getting back on. no conversations. less conversations. more memories that with anyone yet. more memories to be made. a friendship rekindled. 6 months. purity. calmness. maturity. a new culture. a feeling of family. a goodbye hug. a 'miss-you' message. the beginning of something. 3 years. for making time. talks. ULR. hard times. decisions made. sticking together. 2 years. jokes.laughs.photos.talks.fun.food.frolic.fights.forgiveness.being close.being far. being a phone call away.always. 1 year. for listening. for talking. for being there without knowing it. HVR,BAS,AACK,SG,NN,AAK,KIA,VCV,AM,YR- for being there. for being the men i look to. Thank you. but most importantly- JK and MJK- because without one i wouldn't be in this world and without the other- I wouldn't survive this world! I love you all.

muddled thoughts

its strange where life finally takes you. Its been a year since i have been working and now if all goes well- i am about to embark on a journey to a place that might change my life forever. Am i happy? Am i scared? yes and no to both questions. the things that I have held onto for so long seem to slipping out of my fingers and i can do nothing but watch. I am the silent spectator. What am I viewing? My life. What it was...What it is...What it might be! I lie awake sometimes staring at a rotating fan on a white ceiling and try to picture what the future holds in store for me. Nothing. Blankness. Six months since the new year started and so much has been realized. Friendships have been made. and lost. In terms of people- I am no more optimistic. just realistic. there is no one who is friends with you without an agenda. My pessimism worries me sometimes. I do not want to be the cynical-skeptical-bitch. But i am left with no choice. I refuse to be walked over. I refuse to be belittled. this post is a little muddled. I have a lot running through my head. Until i figure- adieu!