Thursday, February 24, 2011

Fight?

Its one of those days when you realize that things can never be the same again and you are at the brim of that glass filled with utter crap! That’s how I feel right now. All of a sudden I seem to lose patience fast. All of a sudden I lose faith in the things that I have believed in all my life. All of a sudden I don’t believe in love. All of a sudden I am stuck. Its not that I’m not happy. I am. Very. It’s just that sometimes I like to see things as just black and white! I don’t want grey areas. I like it as simple as it can get and I don’t think I’m asking for too much. But then if everything in the world was that easy then ‘it’ wouldn’t be called life and there would be no incentive to get up the next day and fight!

Fight! My mom once told me that all the good things in life are worth fighting for. And that’s what I am reminded of now-a-days. That is what I tell myself- when I look at a bad grade and decide instantly that I want to do better. That is what I tell myself when I make a mistake and hurt someone and don’t want them to give up on me. That is what I tell myself when I hold onto the rays of hope, of love, of a life with the man I love- of a new beginning. And then all of a sudden my life seems to have a meaning to it. My life is telling me that there is a purpose to it. I want to get up and stand on both my feet, breathe the air in and tell the world that I am strong.


But then again…I am left to wonder how long this will last. I am left to wonder how long I will be able to hold on. I am left to wonder how long I will fight!



The answer is just where I want it to be- a silent message sent to me telling me that there is someone who believes that I am still capable of love and I always will be. Because of who I am on the inside. Because mom taught me well. Because I know that I will never give up. Because I am me. I will love. I will conquer. I will not give up. I will believe. I will breathe. I will fight. I will live.

Monday, February 14, 2011

things that are new and improved.

so...yes! as usual my posts are much too delayed and decayed in my brain by the time i set to really writing them but then again they are there so like i always say- I'd rather have it written down than forgotten. so...here i go! its been two weeks since i got back from my two month holiday at home and i was'nt even a decimal point thrilled to be back at the University so i sulked around for a few days and then realized that i had to make it work for myself! there was no other way.
I had to get through a semester; i knew that. so i got to business trying to make this semester easier for me. and guess what it worked. I just started having fun. I realized that i did'nt have to be nice to everyone. I didnt have to keep up all the social obligations i had or thought i did all the time. I did what made me happy. I lived life the way i wanted to and was happy and content at the way things were turning out. and all this mind you happened in the span of around 3 days approx.
Then the day dawned. i turned 23! officially. shit! i was growing old. that's when it hit me. this semester i had some major decisions to make and i have to make them keeping only me in mind. now...how the hell is that possible? ah...but the answer to that is a completely different post.
So back to where i was of discovering that i had to make some serious decisions- so the first one i took was of not doing a dissertation. i have always wanted to do one. since the time i set foot in this university...but then some things just don't happen the way you want it to. so that's that! days moved on in this place where all i did was watch movies, watch movies, watch movies,laze around and hang out in my room with the roomie who i have come to know and love.
Fourth semester did change a few things thoug. from the way i feel about Hyderabad now to the way i look at myself. its like the place and the people have done wonders for the new and improved me. and i like that. the fact that a place can help in making you stronger and ready to face the world enthralled me in the beginning but now...i just turn back and say...HELL YA! i will make it!!
Amidst all this chaos and confusion of discovering and re-discovering places and things, bonds have broken, been made and some strengthened over time. people have come to be respected and appreciated for what they are. secrets have been shared. a part of me finally feels accepted. and i like it.
So this post is dedicated to all the random trips to Maula Ali, the shopping sprees, the food outings, the randomness of just sitting around with buddies, the endless trips to kim fung and big bazaar and cribbing and eating at the mess, facebooking through the night,decorating and redecorating rooms, cups and cups of coffee, crazy assignment days, no internet confusions, loads of movies,ladies night outs, planning trips and not taking them and a lot more craziness that is yet to come.
so thank you...to Hyderabad; to CIEFL; to the people here; to my roomie for teaching me that its OK to be me and that its not necessary that everyone likes me.


as far as im concerned now...I'd be damn glad if someone occasionally thought i was being an ITCH with a big B right in the front of it!!! i love being me! :)
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