muddled thoughts

its strange where life finally takes you. Its been a year since i have been working and now if all goes well- i am about to embark on a journey to a place that might change my life forever. Am i happy? Am i scared? yes and no to both questions. the things that I have held onto for so long seem to slipping out of my fingers and i can do nothing but watch. I am the silent spectator. What am I viewing? My life. What it was...What it is...What it might be! I lie awake sometimes staring at a rotating fan on a white ceiling and try to picture what the future holds in store for me. Nothing. Blankness. Six months since the new year started and so much has been realized. Friendships have been made. and lost. In terms of people- I am no more optimistic. just realistic. there is no one who is friends with you without an agenda. My pessimism worries me sometimes. I do not want to be the cynical-skeptical-bitch. But i am left with no choice. I refuse to be walked over. I refuse to be belittled. this post is a little muddled. I have a lot running through my head. Until i figure- adieu!