Monday, July 2, 2012
men!
8 months down. 12 days away. abundance of fallen tears. conversations of skype and gmail. the hope of someone being there.
4 years. now one year away. a future envisioned. the want to philander. the thought of losing. a hurried hug. the shadow of someone walking away. petrified.
6 years. conversations. being there. not talking. talking non-stop. making sure that it stays like this. forever.
3 years. a week. clutching straws. a resolve that cannot be moved. a decision made. the end of a world as i know it.
6 years. still single. still besties. still cannot be without each other. still has the most important place with family. calming familiarity.
12 years. going off the grid. getting back on. no conversations. less conversations. more memories that with anyone yet. more memories to be made. a friendship rekindled.
6 months. purity. calmness. maturity. a new culture. a feeling of family. a goodbye hug. a 'miss-you' message. the beginning of something.
3 years. for making time. talks. ULR. hard times. decisions made. sticking together.
2 years. jokes.laughs.photos.talks.fun.food.frolic.fights.forgiveness.being close.being far. being a phone call away.always.
1 year. for listening. for talking. for being there without knowing it.
HVR,BAS,AACK,SG,NN,AAK,KIA,VCV,AM,YR- for being there. for being the men i look to. Thank you. but most importantly- JK and MJK- because without one i wouldn't be in this world and without the other- I wouldn't survive this world! I love you all.
muddled thoughts
its strange where life finally takes you. Its been a year since i have been working and now if all goes well- i am about to embark on a journey to a place that might change my life forever.
Am i happy? Am i scared? yes and no to both questions. the things that I have held onto for so long seem to slipping out of my fingers and i can do nothing but watch. I am the silent spectator. What am I viewing? My life.
What it was...What it is...What it might be!
I lie awake sometimes staring at a rotating fan on a white ceiling and try to picture what the future holds in store for me. Nothing. Blankness.
Six months since the new year started and so much has been realized. Friendships have been made. and lost. In terms of people- I am no more optimistic. just realistic. there is no one who is friends with you without an agenda. My pessimism worries me sometimes. I do not want to be the cynical-skeptical-bitch. But i am left with no choice. I refuse to be walked over. I refuse to be belittled.
this post is a little muddled. I have a lot running through my head.
Until i figure- adieu!
Friday, June 22, 2012
A blue wall. An empty room. Familiar smells. Dark outside. Raindrops at the window. Tears flowing down a cheek. Snuggled under a blanket- my lonely heart whispers- "I'm lost!"
Sunshine in the room. Shadows on a blue wall. Snuggled under a blanket- my lonely heart whispers- "I'm lonely and there is nothing you can do about it."
The one that can do somethings is far away and all that can be wished for is a safe return. Home awaits you.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Choices!
choices here! choices there! choices everywhere!. some good. some bad. some happy. some sad. some necessary. some to avoid a bad ending. some because boredom has set in. some because tears wouldn't stop. some because there was no space even for a tear. some because they were easy to do. some because doing them broke my heart.
life is full of 'life-threatening' choices- some alter your life forever. and some...become your life for as long as you can imagine- BY CHOICE!
life is full of 'life-threatening' choices- some alter your life forever. and some...become your life for as long as you can imagine- BY CHOICE!
Monday, January 2, 2012
So yes- it’s the first working day of the New Year and strangely I was stuck with no work! Me- stuck with no work does not come regularly and the people who have stood by me through the latter half of the year will agree undoubtedly.
Anyways- without digressing further- I was sitting there in that dingy room as usual- with the cupboard that felt like it was going to fall any minute and the fan that rotated creakily, staring out of the window, listening to the silly goat that has been bleating for the past one week blare with all its heart while the cold breeze blows wisps of hair into my eyes. As all this is happening, I think back of the year that was. A year filled with transition, transformation, travel, revelations, birth, death and trouble.
After 2 long years at CIEFL Hyderabad, it was time to move. I didn’t want to. But I did. And very reluctantly too. I came to Bangalore. For my first real job. I loved it. But as much as Hyderabad was home, Bangalore didn’t even come close. I hated it here. The feeling hasn’t changed much except now- I’ve resigned to my fate for a while. So yes- that was Transition!
Over the past 2 years, I have come to appreciate second chances more for the simple reason that when it was necessary, I was given one. And it worked wonders for me. From being the silly girl that was pushed around and taken for granted- and it wouldn’t be wrong to say this- I metamorphosized into a strong independent woman who stood her ground and worked hard for a living. I became what my mother would call- ‘Responsible’.
Now travel is interesting! I made it to India’s two most talked about cities- Delhi and Mumbai. Yes- the capital city and the city that never sleeps. Driving on the streets of Delhi, I was in awe of how well kept the capital was. And to top it all- the metro that made me think that it was ok if I never got to ride the Subway in NY! As for Mumbai- what do I say? The sounds, the streets, the smells, the busy trains, the double-decker bus, the jetty ride at the Gateway of India, homemade pani-puris- an Adventure of sorts.
A loved one lost. True friends realized. A New child welcomed and an accident my family will not forget finished the year for me.
Thank you’s are essential at the end of the year-
Ma and Dada- for being the two most understanding and trusting parents.
Mrit- because without you, I wouldn’t be me
Sujeet- for letting me be me and for always being you.for being my strength and my weakness at the same time.
Ali- for being there for me unconditionally.
Varma- for putting up with all my crap and for being my strength during transition and other wise.
Aarthi- Though far, you will always be close to my heart.
Ona and Granny- for being my left and right hand.
Nishath- because we have got through one more year of being there for each other.
D- for giving me strength, for being brash when it was necessary and for telling me I’m capable of better things.
Mel- for giving me a family in Bangalore and listening to me whine without any complaints.
Polo- for finding time to listen to me rant.
Sajeed- for being there. for long walks. for being the person that I can call at any time of the night and being my 2am friend! :)
Vivek- For being an important reason for me to come to Calicut.
Faffa and Mushu- for being sensible for me!
Nambiar- For really listening to me. and for sharing things with me that you would not have with anyone else.
Bas-sam- for being my comfort! for the rides. for the chats. for pani-puri. for making my belief firm- all arabs are not asses! <3
Mathew George and Nakul B.M- for making Bangalore feel a little like home and a lot like George's.
Gautami- for being my mirror-image! :*
KIA- for loving me the way you do!
But more than anything- the most important thing this year happened 3 hours before it ended- I met him. I finally did. I realized how much I had missed him and after all these years, it felt just the same to hug him. Thank you Abel Abraham Koshy for being my friend. I know that it hasn’t been easy and we do have a lot of catching up to do – but I hope we do it! Let’s make time and get this right. I have missed having you in my life. I’m glad that a little part of you still is. And I guarantee you will always be.
To us I dedicate- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyppAHX8ILE
This year, I’m jittery. I know it’s going to be another year full of transitions and travel. Maybe there might be a change of scene. Maybe there might new friends. Maybe there might be fun and frolic. Maybe there might be sadness and sorrow. But one thing is for sure- I’m ready. Embracing 2012- I say- Surprise me!
Anyways- without digressing further- I was sitting there in that dingy room as usual- with the cupboard that felt like it was going to fall any minute and the fan that rotated creakily, staring out of the window, listening to the silly goat that has been bleating for the past one week blare with all its heart while the cold breeze blows wisps of hair into my eyes. As all this is happening, I think back of the year that was. A year filled with transition, transformation, travel, revelations, birth, death and trouble.
After 2 long years at CIEFL Hyderabad, it was time to move. I didn’t want to. But I did. And very reluctantly too. I came to Bangalore. For my first real job. I loved it. But as much as Hyderabad was home, Bangalore didn’t even come close. I hated it here. The feeling hasn’t changed much except now- I’ve resigned to my fate for a while. So yes- that was Transition!
Over the past 2 years, I have come to appreciate second chances more for the simple reason that when it was necessary, I was given one. And it worked wonders for me. From being the silly girl that was pushed around and taken for granted- and it wouldn’t be wrong to say this- I metamorphosized into a strong independent woman who stood her ground and worked hard for a living. I became what my mother would call- ‘Responsible’.
Now travel is interesting! I made it to India’s two most talked about cities- Delhi and Mumbai. Yes- the capital city and the city that never sleeps. Driving on the streets of Delhi, I was in awe of how well kept the capital was. And to top it all- the metro that made me think that it was ok if I never got to ride the Subway in NY! As for Mumbai- what do I say? The sounds, the streets, the smells, the busy trains, the double-decker bus, the jetty ride at the Gateway of India, homemade pani-puris- an Adventure of sorts.
A loved one lost. True friends realized. A New child welcomed and an accident my family will not forget finished the year for me.
Thank you’s are essential at the end of the year-
Ma and Dada- for being the two most understanding and trusting parents.
Mrit- because without you, I wouldn’t be me
Sujeet- for letting me be me and for always being you.for being my strength and my weakness at the same time.
Ali- for being there for me unconditionally.
Varma- for putting up with all my crap and for being my strength during transition and other wise.
Aarthi- Though far, you will always be close to my heart.
Ona and Granny- for being my left and right hand.
Nishath- because we have got through one more year of being there for each other.
D- for giving me strength, for being brash when it was necessary and for telling me I’m capable of better things.
Mel- for giving me a family in Bangalore and listening to me whine without any complaints.
Polo- for finding time to listen to me rant.
Sajeed- for being there. for long walks. for being the person that I can call at any time of the night and being my 2am friend! :)
Vivek- For being an important reason for me to come to Calicut.
Faffa and Mushu- for being sensible for me!
Nambiar- For really listening to me. and for sharing things with me that you would not have with anyone else.
Bas-sam- for being my comfort! for the rides. for the chats. for pani-puri. for making my belief firm- all arabs are not asses! <3
Mathew George and Nakul B.M- for making Bangalore feel a little like home and a lot like George's.
Gautami- for being my mirror-image! :*
KIA- for loving me the way you do!
But more than anything- the most important thing this year happened 3 hours before it ended- I met him. I finally did. I realized how much I had missed him and after all these years, it felt just the same to hug him. Thank you Abel Abraham Koshy for being my friend. I know that it hasn’t been easy and we do have a lot of catching up to do – but I hope we do it! Let’s make time and get this right. I have missed having you in my life. I’m glad that a little part of you still is. And I guarantee you will always be.
To us I dedicate- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyppAHX8ILE
This year, I’m jittery. I know it’s going to be another year full of transitions and travel. Maybe there might be a change of scene. Maybe there might new friends. Maybe there might be fun and frolic. Maybe there might be sadness and sorrow. But one thing is for sure- I’m ready. Embracing 2012- I say- Surprise me!
Monday, November 7, 2011
:)
sucking on a lollipop, sitting in my veranda and watching it rain cats and dogs- i am reminded of things that make me happy.
amma- for everything she is. for everything she has made me. for pure and unconditional love in its truest form. for being my all.
dada-for relentlessly praying for things to go right. for slogging his life off in another country so i could have what i wanted. for teaching me the importance of independence and freedom.
Mrit- for being the more mature, smarter,cooler, funner, and more awesomer version of me. for watching my back all the time.
Friends- for being my second family. for fun.laughter.shoulders to cry on. hugs. fights. food. masti. movies.noise. nakhra. bitching sessions. for everything that i couldnt do with my family- i did with you!
Shoes- because i feel awesome when i try a new pair on. because they give me some sort of energy and i feel new!
Food- because you are always there for me when i want to cry and cant.
Bike rides- because the rush of adrenalin makes me forget what im really thinking about!
Why am i thinking happy things?
because when life throws stupid curve balls at you- you gotta be ready or you'll be stumped!
amma- for everything she is. for everything she has made me. for pure and unconditional love in its truest form. for being my all.
dada-for relentlessly praying for things to go right. for slogging his life off in another country so i could have what i wanted. for teaching me the importance of independence and freedom.
Mrit- for being the more mature, smarter,cooler, funner, and more awesomer version of me. for watching my back all the time.
Friends- for being my second family. for fun.laughter.shoulders to cry on. hugs. fights. food. masti. movies.noise. nakhra. bitching sessions. for everything that i couldnt do with my family- i did with you!
Shoes- because i feel awesome when i try a new pair on. because they give me some sort of energy and i feel new!
Food- because you are always there for me when i want to cry and cant.
Bike rides- because the rush of adrenalin makes me forget what im really thinking about!
Why am i thinking happy things?
because when life throws stupid curve balls at you- you gotta be ready or you'll be stumped!
Friday, September 23, 2011
What a Good Bath does:
I just realized that that last time I put up a meaningful post was…a long time ago and just as I was writing that sentence I was thinking of what the word meaningful meant. What does it mean? Does it have to mean something to you or does it have to mean something to the people who spend time reading what you have written? I’m in doubt again.
But that’s for another post…
What I really felt like writing today was how I have started looking at the world differently. I have finally decided that I’m not going to be pushed to do anything that I don’t want to do. I’m not getting married to someone I don’t know. I’m not going to be registered on some stupid Matrimonial site. And I’m definitely not going to work in a place where I feel uncomfortable walking through the corridors.
I always thought my life would be easy- I would travel the world and meet new people and study new things and develop new passions. Turns out…I was wrong! My life revolves around a 10-6 job which sometimes goes from 9am-10pm. After what seems to be a never ending day, I come back to insipid food and endless WI-Fi connection. I know…the positives of WI-Fi- but you have to be awake to use it. And I’m generally not! Don’t get me started on the what the routine is on the weekend…then again it would be pretty easy to talk about- finishing pending work for next week, washing clothes that have been left out and finally washing off the grime of an entire week with a long bath.
It is just after a bath that all the nice thoughts about what I want from life come. And this is one of those moments. Me being me…it is obvious to anyone who knows me that I would have drawn up a list and you are absolutely right! So this is my list of the top twenty things- my list of things that I want to get done before I lose my streak of madness which I hope I never do…this is my bucket list.
1.Buy myself a Fastrack watch.
2.Go on an Elephant ride.
3.Explore all the temple architecture in Tamil Nadu.
4.Take Mom to the Golden Temple in Amritsar
5.Work for a fashion magazine
6.Buy a pair of Jimmy Choo Pumps
7.Learn to walk in Pumps. :)
8.Smoke a joint and get a Blowback.
9.Go Scuba-Diving
10.Stand atop the Eiffel Tower
11.Finish reading The Lord of the Rings
12.Try reading the newspaper every day.
13.Go for a rock concert.
14.Go on a road trip with my girls, stop at all the places that were not on the plan, make sure the car breaks down and then hitchhike a ride with hippies.
15.Get my own place. (Own a place with a loft like the one Vipurva Parikh owns.):P
16.Streak my hair blue/red.
17.Attend the Oscars (too farfetched but a girl can dream!)
18.Rob a Store (just for the fun of it! I’ve always wondered how it would feel to make a run for it.)
19.Own an Audi A7.
20.Make sure that I get at least five things on this list done. :)
There’s so much more to do and even more to write about but the continuation of the list is for another post.
Till then… I have a lesson plan to finish.
But that’s for another post…
What I really felt like writing today was how I have started looking at the world differently. I have finally decided that I’m not going to be pushed to do anything that I don’t want to do. I’m not getting married to someone I don’t know. I’m not going to be registered on some stupid Matrimonial site. And I’m definitely not going to work in a place where I feel uncomfortable walking through the corridors.
I always thought my life would be easy- I would travel the world and meet new people and study new things and develop new passions. Turns out…I was wrong! My life revolves around a 10-6 job which sometimes goes from 9am-10pm. After what seems to be a never ending day, I come back to insipid food and endless WI-Fi connection. I know…the positives of WI-Fi- but you have to be awake to use it. And I’m generally not! Don’t get me started on the what the routine is on the weekend…then again it would be pretty easy to talk about- finishing pending work for next week, washing clothes that have been left out and finally washing off the grime of an entire week with a long bath.
It is just after a bath that all the nice thoughts about what I want from life come. And this is one of those moments. Me being me…it is obvious to anyone who knows me that I would have drawn up a list and you are absolutely right! So this is my list of the top twenty things- my list of things that I want to get done before I lose my streak of madness which I hope I never do…this is my bucket list.
1.Buy myself a Fastrack watch.
2.Go on an Elephant ride.
3.Explore all the temple architecture in Tamil Nadu.
4.Take Mom to the Golden Temple in Amritsar
5.Work for a fashion magazine
6.Buy a pair of Jimmy Choo Pumps
7.Learn to walk in Pumps. :)
8.Smoke a joint and get a Blowback.
9.Go Scuba-Diving
10.Stand atop the Eiffel Tower
11.Finish reading The Lord of the Rings
12.Try reading the newspaper every day.
13.Go for a rock concert.
14.Go on a road trip with my girls, stop at all the places that were not on the plan, make sure the car breaks down and then hitchhike a ride with hippies.
15.Get my own place. (Own a place with a loft like the one Vipurva Parikh owns.):P
16.Streak my hair blue/red.
17.Attend the Oscars (too farfetched but a girl can dream!)
18.Rob a Store (just for the fun of it! I’ve always wondered how it would feel to make a run for it.)
19.Own an Audi A7.
20.Make sure that I get at least five things on this list done. :)
There’s so much more to do and even more to write about but the continuation of the list is for another post.
Till then… I have a lesson plan to finish.
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