To Hamsa & Anam – from Aunty M.

Where god cannot be, he sends his angels.

In 2018, as I turned 30, I welcomed two little people into my life. These two people changed the way I looked at things without even knowing how strong an impact they were making. My two best friends decided to give me the best presents that year and laid out the red carpet for Hamsa and Anam. These two little angels light up the world everyday for everyone that knows them.

As I turn 31, Hamsa is 1 and Anam has completed a beautiful 6 months of existence. As I slowly get myself mentally prepped to someday become a mother, I want to take a few minutes to tell these beautiful angels something that they can come back and read when they are a bit older and where I am now.

It’s okay to be frightened. It’s okay to not know where your life is going. It’s okay to hurt Remember, in all of this, life has a funny way of turning things around for you. All you need is faith that it will get better. Faith that you will make it better. Faith that you can. And when there is doubt, I hope I am always in your life to help you believe that magic is real, and miracles do happen. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

We are strong women- your mothers and I but we have your fathers to thank too – not for allowing us anything but for standing by us when we chose.I hope that you know that you can always choose and we will all stand by you. I wish that you both find true love and friendship and that your lives are filled with joy, good health, prosperity and peace. I wish that you continue in the footsteps of your parents and be there for your friends when they need you and even when they don't. Explore. Travel. Eat. Find careers that you love and be the fierce women you were born to be. In all of this and more, I hope that you are still kind and forgiving and generous and gracious. 

You both are rockstars and I consider myself absolutely lucky to have a small part in the 'large as life' lives that you are going to lead. 

Hamsa and Anam- This is my wish to you as we celebrate milestones in our lives.I love you both so much. Happy Birthday to us. 

Its been 3 years since I posted anything on my blog. I remember starting this page years back with the urge to write and write and keep writing and then somewhere along the way, I lost track of what was important to me. I lost track of what made me- ME! Writing, Music, Art work... It had all come to a halt. All that, however, is going to change and its going to change now. This year (2016) has been an odd year of both good happenings and bad. This year my whole world changed. This year I have had to bear more responsibility for the person I am and who I chose/wanted to be. I moved from one side of the world to the other side. Miles and miles away from family, friends and everything that was familiar to me. My dad being unwell didn't help my confidence to do so but he thought it was the right thing for me to do- so here I am. Far away. This year I went from being an I to being part of a We. This is the year that everything was redefined. 

I resigned from a really good job in January this year and have not been working since. It has given me a lot of time to ponder and procrastinate. I thought it would be a good break for me- I have, after all, been working for the better part of my adult life. I couldn't have been more wrong. I realized very quickly that I didn't like the free time. I didn't like not having anything to do. I didn't like the emptiness I felt when I was not fully vested in something. I missed the whole pace of my life that was. It's at moments like these where you realize that you need to get up, get a grip and do something to change the monotony that is this life.

My little Ronjus told me a couple of days back that I am capable of so much more and it pushed me to think of the person I used to be. I may never be able to go back and be the same but moving forward, I know the things I don't want and Im going to make sure that I make the changes that I want to see. 

You guys are going to hear a lot more from me. Frequently too. :) 

Hyderabad

rain.walk.food.travel.friends.reunions.long viber calls.


perfect beginning to a vacation.

for PT

Ah Birthdays! Everyone loves them. Everyone loves gifts. Everyone loves waiting till 12 and then being wished. Everyone loves blowing out the candles and cutting a cake. Whether your'e 60 or 6, for that one day- you are the star. you are what everything revolves around. and as much as people like to deny it- they do love the attention! But not Aju. Ah- we have to rewind a bit here for some history. Ajmal- or Aju as he is called by most is one of NN's friends and I was introduced to him under a tree on a rainy day. I was walking along with an umbrella held above my head when NN called me over and introduced me to this slightly muscular, tall straight faced guy who wouldn't look me in the eye. He nodded his greeting of hello and I said hey! We saw each other often after that- at some gathering or another and sometimes he would drop off a friend at my place or pick up someone from my place. He never stayed long. PT- as I call him is very easy to like once you know him. But if you don't you could be very very intimidated by him and that would be totally justified. :) Now while we are on that topic its Aju's birthday today and I actually managed to pull off a decent surprise for a man who has never celebrated his birthday! thats right! never! celebrated! never! I remember being very shocked when he told me that for that for the first time a few years back. I remember thinking then poor guy! But i was too far to really do anything for him. Bu not this time I thought. Too much time had passed without him doing something for his birthday! And that's when the wheels in my head started churning and plan came into place! :)
I will never forget the look in his eyes! He was happy. Maybe for the first time he blew a candle off a cupcake because he very smartly told me not to do anything funny- which meant get him a gift or a cake! But I'm one step ahead of you. So cupcake and collage! :)
I am secretly very happy that I did it. I was the reason for a smile on someone's face. And I haven't been this happy in a while! :)

So PT- HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF THE NICEST PEOPLE TO WALK PLANET EARTH. THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS LENDING A EAR WHEN I NEEDED ONE! THANK YYOU FOR BEING A TRUE GENTLEMAN AND FOR REMINDING ME THAT CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD! I DONT KNOW HOW THE YEARS PASSED SO FAST!!! :) MUCH LOVE YOUR WAY! BIG HUGS!

Room no:62 - happenings, secrets and hushed sniggers

there's fun in the small world of secrets and hushed discussions. Those intimate conversations that trigger a sly smile that forms on one's lips when you step out of the door. It never lets go of you. The confession of liking someone. The anger and wanting to kill someone. The silent green eyed monster that comes creeping out when no one's looking. The whispers of changes that want to be seen. The values learnt unintentionally through experiences shared. The look that comes with stealing the last biscuit. The look of fear that plays when you have broken something you shouldn't have touched. The shushing. The giggles. The stories that are served over cups of coffee and home-made food.

Bliss has a meaning of its own. Mine comes from the warmth that one feels when one is confided in. When someone shares a piece of what is theirs with me. Some knowledge changes your outlook on things. Some knowledge passes you by in the fleeting way it came. Some knowledge makes you wonder what you were doing till the day you knew it. and some knowledge- it just changes your life.

I always thought I would be the same person that I was when I walked into SBAAU. Turns out- I couldn't have been more wrong. It true what people say about how you appreciate the best things in life when you can reach them no more. Home-made food. Long phone calls in the middle of the night. Long walks. Shopping sprees. Being able to hold a friend's hand in the time of a crisis. and Secrets. Secrets that cannot be shared over an expensive ISD phone call or a hurried e-mail.
I miss being able to sit down in between friends and family. Listen to them talk and just watch the way they react.

But then I think of malayalam conversations Meera and me have about the crazy elephant lady and how no one but us gets it. I think of running to Abi itha and making sure that the decisions I make are right. I think of Nazneen jiji and how I can never find anything without her- my compass.

Life is different now. I've got a hang of the loneliness. But I still move through life like someone in their sleep. I refuse to use my brain for anything wise- it falls flat on students. But i wade along. There are times when I hit the occasional rash wave. But I move on. Putting one foot in front of the other. Baby steps.

As for secrets- when was there ever a dearth of them?

Two Halves

Its been a while since I have written. I'm still not sure why I stopped writing as such. But, I'm glad that phase is over. How else am I supposed to vent? :P
Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote here. Though my last post was on the 2nd of July, I think I really wrote something worthwhile on the 2nd of January 2012.
It is 2013 now. I am in a different country. I am a different person. I believe in different things. I have different experiences. I react differently to different things. As you might have already guessed- 'Different' was the operative word for 2012. A month by month breakdown would have been funnier but Im lazy so I'll just sum up the year. Yes- ok- maybe it will take more time for the writing thing to come back to full force. For now...this shall do.
You know how people say- Its in adversity that you know who your'e true friends are. That statement is true. Last year, I lost friends. Last year, I made new friends. Last year, I strengthened ties with old friends. Last year, I mend bridges with people. Last year, I severed bridges to the point of no return. Last year, I fell in love. Last year, I fell out of love. Last year, I cried. I laughed. I giggled. I was angry. I was excited. I was surprised. I ate. I slept. I saved. I travelled. I shopped. I spent. I went clubbing. I celebrated my birthday in all four states in South India. I wore a dress, high heels and make up. I did things that I never thought I could. I did things that I'm glad I did. I also did silly things ... but that's for another post.
So to sum up- Growth, Maturity, Love, Travel and Transition. a whirlwind. 2012.
2012 can be split into two halves though. Before August and after. Here's what happened after. I gave up my job. I took up a new one in a country that has changed the way I look at everything. A country- like my friend Sherin rightly put it is- "an absolute torture to your social situation". No going out. No taking long walks. No nothing. It makes you grateful for what you had. It makes you realize who you want in your life. It makes you thankful for the people who are in your life. This country that is not my own has given me friends- friends who I learn from everyday. Lessons on life. Lessons on parenting. Lessons on being strong and standing up for what you believe is right. Lessons on when to shut up and when to talk. Lessons on saying NO. Lessons on faith. on trust. on hope.


2013 has just begun. I have no idea where I will be or what I will be doing but I'm excited as I always am. Its something new to look forward to. And like always thanks are due again. I will never tire of doing this. It is necessary to let the people you love know that you love them.

Mom and Dad: Thank you. For standing up and saying that I'm old enough to make my own decisions. for being the best parents in the world.

Mrit: for trusting my decisions and supporting them as always. My better half.

Varma: for surprising me every day. for letting me go even though you thought I shouldn't go. For fighting with me for me. :*

Aarthi: you could be anywhere in the world and I know that your'e always wishing the best for me as I am for you.

Ona: For being my strength through the toughest year. for lending me your ears at all times. For understanding things that only you could. For believing in me. Unconditionally.

Ashmita: for being my Jiminy Cricket. It sums it all.

Meenamma: because I know for sure that I will always be your daughter too.

KIA: because no one else thinks as highly of me as you do. For always being there.

Ali: for being there for me. For always having my back.

Nishath: for keeping an eye on my parents for me. For always making the effort to stay in touch. Another year dude! :)

Faffa: for always checking up on me and telling me that I'm strong enough to handle anything that comes my way.

Babu: for languages. for laughter. for fun.

Vivek: for all the love.

Raouf: For always being a phone call away. I never did say thank you for October! :)

PT: because we can talk about anything and be sure that we will never judge each other. for comfort.

Pratheesh ettan & Riji chechi: for being my family away from home.

Meera: for telling me that life is not always bad. Believe in the good moments.

Abi chechi & Nasir ikka: for giving me a space in their life that I cherish.

Nazneen jiji & Suhail bhai: for still not being able to decide whose sister I am. :P

Asma begum: for khana. for chit-chat.

Majumdar,Thomas, Aravind, D, Nambiar, Jitha- Thank you. for everything.

Hiba, Dania, Minna, Mrudul, Anirudh and my darling Mani kutty- I live my childhood through you kids.

and everybody else who made 2012 wonderful for me. Thank you.
If you think I have forgotten you- I havent.

B: for love. for faith. for courage. for a blue room. for memories cherished for a lifetime. for 2012. For being in my life. <3

So, 2013 dawns well for now. I stop here hoping that next year, I'll have a lot more to tell you about the new place where I am or the new people I have met.
After all- What is life if your'e not seeing anything new!


Bring it on 2013!
Cheers.